To make a long story short, it was a catastrophe.
I put a crazy amount of self-imposed pressure on myself not only to be the very best in the whole world, but likewise make an award-winning documentary at the very same time, without a coach.
Coming out of a four-year competition retirement indicated a rigorous six-hour-a-day training schedule, while concurrently documenting the journey, alone.
In 2010, after a surge of post-ten-day-meditation-course motivation, I openly announced to the world that I was going to make a film about me winning the kayak world championships.
A very bad idea in retrospection. At the time I felt inspired and invincible.
I had super high expectations of myself and of the movie and thought it was all possible.
“If you enjoy yourself it does not matter if other individuals do not like you due to the fact that you do not need their approval to feel excellent about yourself.” ~ Lori Deschene
3 days prior to the competitors, my back went into spasm. I was so stressed out I could not move.
” Polly, take this, its ibuprofen and will help your back relax. Remember why you are here, you can do this,” she stated.
My very first trip was alright, however not terrific. All I had to do was the exact same thing once again and my score would be enough to make it through the initial cut to the quarter finals.
Jessie, an excellent kayaking friend, knocked on the door of my Bavarian hotel room.
The morning of the competition I felt okay. I did my normal heat up and had good practice flights. “Okay. Perhaps I can do this,” I thought.
Somebody in the crowd shouted at me, “Smile, Polly!”
I lost my focus, had a disastrous second flight, and slipped up that I wasnt able to recuperate from.
I pulled it together and continued to movie the rest of the competition and felt some protection by hiding behind my cam.
” Being the world champion isnt going to provide me what I thought I wanted. I want to feel connected to something larger than myself,” I informed her.
Humiliated, ashamed, and dissatisfied, I went on a long walk and sobbed.
My lifelong imagine being a world champion athlete just disappeared, and my heartbreak was compounded much more by the public embarrassment I d developed for myself.
” So, whats next Polly? Are you going to keep training for the next World Championships?” Claire, the lady who won, asked me at the end of the event.
The worst thing took place, and it all went incorrect.
A year later on, I went to the equivalent of the world championships of yoga.
India had been calling me for many years, like a little voice that connected a string to my heart.
” No,” I replied without even believing. “I need to go to India.”
3 months of intensive Ashtanga yoga research study with R. Sharath Jois, in the bustling city of Mysore, India.
The hazardous energy releasing from my mind, in the type of consistent internal commentary of judgment and drama, felt and looked like a real smokestack.
It took three years, and I ended up the film. Launching it to the world brought up all of my insecurities. I felt exposed and like a big fraud.
This was not what my ego wished to hear.
My ego wished to inspire the world and had visions of, if not the Academy Awards, well then at least entering into the Sundance Film Festival.
I felt like a dog chasing its tail and was in an overall innovative block with modifying my movie.
Practicing at 4:15 am every day on my little area of yoga mat, surrounded by sixty other individuals, with no place to run and no place to hide, I began the journey of facing my internal world.
A yoga good friend said, “Polly, even if your movie assists only one individual it is worth finishing it.”
How could I have made such a vibrant statement, failed, and after that remind everyone about my failure three years later?
I ran and released the film to North India, high in the Himalayas where there was no internet.
I shot myself and my movie in the foot so that my ego might continue to inform me I was not worthy.
Although Outside Magazine did a great short article about the movie, in my eyes it was a failure.
My ego would enjoy to be in a collapse the Himalayas practicing meditation away from all of it.
In 2019 I left India and returned to Montana to teach kayaking for the summertime.
The school had actually hired a girl paddler called Darby.
That is not what I have been called to do.
It didnt get into the big festivals I wanted it to enter into and I didnt trouble sending it to the kayaking movie celebrations it would have done well in.
Putting myself out there still feels uneasy, however I know that hiding is not going to assist people. I have chosen that great is good enough and am now taking little steps in the instructions of my pain.
Humble tears of disbelief welled in my eyes.
It was the twenty-year anniversary of the kayak school where I spent over 10 years mentor.
She told me, “You know, Polly, I watched your film about training for the Worlds, and it inspired me to train too. I made the USA Junior group and came 2nd at the 2015 Junior World Championships. Thank you for making that movie.”
My film assisted a single person, and I was satisfying her.
This simply is not true.
Running and hiding to keep my ego sensation safe no longer cuts it.
The world remains in a deep spiritual crisis today.
I have actually learned a huge, modest lesson in self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-love.
Like leaving your child on the doorstep of a strangers house, I birthed it and bolted.
The takeaway was that my ego and perfectionism obstructed of potentially helping much more people.
The top fourteen lessons I now live by:
1. Listen to the inner voice that whispers and pulls at your heart. Dont let anybody or anything encourage you not to offer it a go if youre enthusiastic about something.
2. Do the important things initially. If you struggle, employ support from somebody you trust however share about it openly after you have actually done it so that you dont produce unneeded pressure and feel like a failure.
3. Do things one little action at a time so you dont feel overloaded and tempted to quit.
4. Assisting one individual is an enormous win.
5. Drop all expectations– the outcome does not have to be anything specific for the experience to be important.
6. Do your finest and release the outcomes. Youve succeeded if youve done your finest.
7. Commemorate every little success along the method to improve your confidence and inspire yourself to keep going.
8. Be proud of yourself every day for these small successes.
9. Approve of yourself without requiring the ego-stroking that includes massive success and know that the results of this one endeavor dont specify you.
10. Real success is inner satisfaction. Give yourself consent to feel good about that if youve followed your dream and done your best.
11. Do not compare yourself to other individuals. Set your own goals/intentions that feel achievable for you.
12. Every “fail” is in fact a step in the best instructions. It redirects your compass and assists you discover what you require to do or change to get where you want to go.
13. Development means getting out of the convenience zone, however you do not need to press yourself too far. Go to the edge of pain, however where it still feels workable.
14. Take it down a notch if you freak out or feel resistance. Move forward however in smaller steps.
If youve followed your dream and done your best, give yourself consent to feel good about that.
If you freak out or feel resistance, take it down a notch.
Get assistance from someone you rely on however share about it openly after you have actually done it so that you dont develop unnecessary pressure and feel like a failure if you have a hard time.
Go to the edge of discomfort, but where it still feels manageable.
I desire to feel linked to something larger than myself,” I informed her.
See a typo or mistake? Please
contact us so we can fix it!