How I Stopped Making Men My Everything and Losing Myself in Love

And now, 8 years later on, my concept of what a loving collaboration appears like is so various and much more freeing. These are the realities that I had to discover the difficult way that have permitted me to like my partners without losing important parts of myself in them.

At the end of that relationship I was required to enter into the hard journey of self-discovery. By the time I turned twenty-two, I recognized that I would remain in serious danger if I continued specifying myself and centering my life on guys and romantic relationships.

I altered my worldviews to harmonize his. I altered my aspirations and dreams to better line up with his. I gave up relationships I valued that he wasnt comfy with me having. There was absolutely nothing I wouldnt have actually sacrificed for this relationship and its survival.

I fell in love with a guy who became my whatever when I was twenty. My buddies enjoyed me becoming another person because I found myself attempting to constantly knead myself into someone who would completely suit this guys world, even if it meant betraying myself in the process.

“Yes, love is all about sacrifice and compromise, however its important likewise to establish a limitation. You should not need to toss your whole life away to make a relationship work. If you have to lose yourself to please your partner, youre with the wrong person.” ~ Beau Taplin

The end of that relationship and the destruction that included it made me vividly knowledgeable about my propensity towards engulfment. I found myself being someone who allowed romantic relationships to over consume her and use up her whole life.

The relationship was just 10 months long, however because extremely brief area of time, it became the center of my universe. When the relationship ended, to me, it almost indicated completion of my life. I did not see any life beyond that man or the relationship I had with him.

1. A relationship or partner will never ever fulfill all your needs, so stop anticipating them to.

I now securely believe that whatever our partners give us must simply be a drop into what we are already overflowing with because we did the work of nourishing our lives initially before aiming to a partner to do that for us.

A lot of us provide our partners a god-like status and anticipate them to satisfy our every whim and need.

One is bound to lose themselves in partners that offer them things that they do not know how to provide to themselves– like love, recognition, and confirmation of their worth.

I wanted to my partner to be for me what I had never found out to be for myself, therefore putting on to him a duty that was always mine to carry.

Because I put a heavy concern on it to be my everything, my relationship broke.

2. Controlling your partner is a foolproof way to lose the love you fear losing.

I feared desertion so much that theres nothing about my partner I didnt try to control. I wanted his obsession with the relationship to match mine. That was my twisted method of trying to place on a leash his love and affection for me.

In retrospect, I can not imagine how suffocated my then-partner felt about my lost efforts. Due to the fact that he might no longer take the severe lengths I would go to in order to have his love, the thing I feared most ended up happening.

The disadvantage of losing ourselves in love is that when our partners do not lose themselves in the relationship like we do, we quickly relate it to lack of love, instead of having healthy borders necessary for the thriving of any healthy relationship.

3. A healthy relationship will not change you, however motivate you to be more of who you are.

Its tough to preserve a strong sense of self in relationships when you dont understand who that self is. If you do not know who you are, people can quickly scrunch you up into versions of who they prefer you to be. When you have a clear sense of yourself, its so much simpler to withstand a relationship changing you into someone you understand you are not.

I still think that love should constantly be transformational. However if love changes us, it ought to constantly be for the benefit of ourselves and our life purpose, not to please our partners or to fulfill their idealistic fantasies of what an ideal partner appears like. Love can just do its work in us when we allow ourselves to be fully seen, loved, and accepted for who we are.

4. Due to the fact that of a relationship, you should never disregard other locations of your life.

By the end of my relationship, I had enmeshed myself so deeply in this guys world that I did not have my own world to return to. My relationship ended up being the most important thing, and I forgot every other gorgeous thing I had going for me before I had him.

There is nothing as thrilling as fulfilling a possible soulmate. Its appealing to lose yourself in the brand-new relationship and change your regular routine so that you can focus on this interesting new part of your life. This never ever turned out well for me.

A healthy relationship needs to never ever alienate us from our own lives but need to be able to quietly co-exist with all other parts of our lives.

5. Your individuality needs to never ever be a threat in a relationship.

Sacrificing ourselves for relationships will always be an act of self-betrayal. Loss of self is a cost of love I have testified never ever once again pay. A healthy relationship is one where we can discover a balance in between being independent and synergistic.

I know we romanticize the idea of ending up being one with our partners. We understand the poems about ending up being so intertwined with our enthusiasts that we dont know where we end and they begin. Love needs to never ever imply losing sense of who you are as a person.

We do not need to be spitting pictures of our partners for love to suggest something. When your partner initially satisfied you, they fell for your individuality, and it would stop to be love if you needed to alter the really things that drew them to you.

6. Be okay with caring in small doses.

Its simple to lose yourself in a relationship. You subconsciously believe that you need to offer yourself up to prevent rejection when you feel unlovable. You can also discover yourself obsessing over this one connection because, “Wow, somebody finally enjoys me,” and you will do anything and whatever to keep that connection and try.

For me, making it through a relationship that was my everything, firstly, indicated learning to develop my sense of self-worth (exterior of my romantic relationships).

I desire a love that reminds me that before we belong to each other, we will always initially come from ourselves.

I no longer desire a love that I drown in but a love that will always let me show up for air; a love that puts me on steady ground, and never a love that I feel lost in.

Life had to take me on a journey of learning that joy can be discovered anywhere and not just through romantic relationships. When I found the idea of “several streams of joy” focusing myself, my life, and my joy on a romantic partner ended up being close to impossible. Because now, in my late twenties, I have lots of beautiful features of my life that bring me terrific happiness, and should I fall in love once again, it would simply be among the lots of various streams that fill my life with happiness.

I desire my partner to have many other beautiful things about their life beyond me without feeling like I am not enough for them.

I desire a love where we can be apart while being wonderfully together.

When we lose our balance in relationships, we desire to stuff ourselves with love and love and get shocked. Love is far more satisfying when we appreciate it bit by bit, a day at a time.

Love does not need to be intense to be genuine.

I want my future relationships to be filled with liberty.

Now, on the other side of engulfment …

I struggled a lot with caring at a sluggish speed; I desired whatever, and I wanted it today. I gave excessive too soon wishing to get my partner hooked on to me. Now I comprehend that love takes time and it develops with time. Once the relationship has actually solidified and ended up being more grounded, its okay to keep certain parts of your love to take pleasure in and share later on with your partner.

About Katlego Llale

Life had to take me on a journey of finding out that joy can be discovered anywhere and not just through romantic relationships.

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Katlego Llale, affectionately called Katz, is a South African based blog writer and freelance copywriter. Katz is passionate about informing stories that make individuals feel and feel less alone on the planet. Through her blog, The Fertile Wound, she wishes to influence individuals to be bold in owning their stories too and become their most authentic selves. You can follow her beautifully curated Instagram and Facebook blog site pages for nourishing content.

You should not have to throw your whole life away to make a relationship work. When the relationship ended, to me, it nearly signified the end of my life. Its tempting to lose yourself in the new relationship and alter your regular routine so that you can focus on this amazing brand-new part of your life. Its all right to keep certain parts of your love to delight in and share later on with your partner once the relationship has solidified and become more grounded.