“Bold to set limits has to do with having the guts to enjoy ourselves, even when we run the risk of frustrating others.” ~ Brené Brown
As shelter-in-place constraints started to raise, the calls and conference invites started to pour in. Like a damn where evictions once kept back the water, I was flooded with requests to do more– reconnect with loved ones, make postponed visits, join charitable causes, begin brand-new projects.
In a culture where being hectic is the standard and worn as a badge of honor, it is particularly tough to preserve healthy space in our lives. There is constantly a chance cost to whatever we say yes to. When we say yes to everybody and whatever, we state no to ourselves.
Whether it be to a loved one or a stranger, work tasks or a brand-new pastime, something I abhor or enjoy, saying no simply plain draws. I say yes to everybody and everything till Im left exhausted, depleted, and with absolutely nothing left to provide.
I might feel the anxiety increasing as I struggled to keep my calendar clear. I recognized if I wished to preserve space in my life, I had to learn the art of saying no, without the requirement for an excuse.
Consultations, gatherings, travel strategies– all cancelled. I now had a valid excuse to let go of my overbooked plans and was granted a socially acceptable factor to say no.
Why We Say Yes When We Want to Say No
There is a fine balance between compromise and becoming a martyr. When we quit something that is very important to us to the point of energy depletion, we will not bring joy to anybody, especially not to ourselves.
We desire to make individuals delighted and we do so by saying yes, even when it means compromising something that is essential to us. However, it is near difficult to make others delighted if they are dependent on us to offer it for them.
We may engage in activities and relationships that leave us feeling drained pipes when we say yes since we feel a level of regret. Due to the fact that we feel there is a certain level of expectation or responsibility, maybe we say yes.
In some roles there are duties that feature the territory, such as in parenting or as a staff member; however, that does not imply stating yes to every demand. The more we state yes out of regret, the more energy is sapped from our being and we begin to develop underlying resentment toward the individual or activity asking us for attention.
Often we move from a location of fear and are not even aware it is our driving force, all the while it lies under the surface wreaking havoc on our life.
Buried deep within us is the universal fear that we are not enough. We overcompensate– doing more, obtaining more, saying yes to everybody and everything. We individuals please in order to make people like us. Because we fear being alone, we stay in toxic relationships. Due to the fact that we are afraid of missing out on an opportunity, we say yes. Of being less than. This fear of course, is an impression.
How to Learn the Art of Saying No
What are those worths that align with your core and help you feel connected to your purpose? What it is that you truly wish to make space for in your life?
To discover the art of stating no, the primary step is awareness. Offer yourself time to check in with yourself before providing an action.
You do not need to get a young puppy to exercise your voice of saying no. You do not require an excuse. Theres absolutely nothing wrong with being truthful and saying, “Im carving more space for being present in my life, which requires me to make less plans.”
When I show back on this relationship, I see he was a teacher for me. I began to recognize my own resistance to others limits due to the fact that I lacked my own.
These are the questions you may begin to ask yourself. From awareness it takes constant practice. It may feel unpleasant at initially, but the more we say no to the important things that are not in our highest interest, the more area we produce saying yes to those things that matter the majority of.
About Shannon Leigh.
See yourself in the eyes of another.
If we press ourselves to the point of fatigue it is unavoidable that our body will begin to rebel. Headaches, muscle pain, gastrointestinal problems, rashes, these are all ways the body interacts to us we are taking on too much. When I am worried from too much doing, I undoubtedly break out in hives. Or my body stores the tension in my shoulders to the point where my hands go numb.
Accept that others will be dissatisfied.
The body does not lie. So require time to tune into what your body is telling you. Typically it means more rest and self-care.
Prepare for area.
Does what is being asked of you align with your core values? Examine opportunity costs, what are you providing up by stating yes? Do you have area around your commitments?
The journey of course ended up a disaster. Not only was I resentful for feeling like I had to be there, but my child ended up with a serious allergic response to poison oak and I had to fly home early to be with him.
Listen to your body.
Take notice of your physical space.
To make me happy. All he was doing was setting his personal boundaries. Instead of recognizing our top priorities were out of alignment, I grew resentful, hurt, angered.
When who refused to make any strategies, I had a sweetheart. Every time I asked him to make strategies, he offered me the response “Im not sure I will have the energy, lets play it by ear” or “Ill let you called the date grows more detailed.”
Look around the space where you live and spend your time. My family in particular likes to hand down things to me, and since I have a tough time saying no I end up acquiring method more than I need. Practice stating no to things and letting go of what you no longer need.
Just as we are not responsible for peoples happiness, we are also not accountable for their frustration when we exercise the art of saying no. If they do not understand when you honestly share your truth and interact your own needs, then that says more about where they are anything.
Avoid making strategies you cant keep and do not overbook yourself. For instance, if you currently have strategies to spend with your parents on Saturday, do not attempt to squeeze in a check out with your friend the very same day. Or plan one weekend a month to do nothing. Leave it open. Perhaps you will use the time to catch up on lost sleep or work in the garden, or possibly a spontaneous afternoon walking with a good friend. When we make time for space we permit life to flow naturally.
Follow your intuition.
The difficulty with scheduling plans is that our calendar is fixed while our energy levels vary. How can we expect how we will feel two months from now? How do we understand what new opportunities and requirements may emerge in the future?
We each have the capability to tune into our intuition, that gut feeling we get in our stomach when something does not feel right.
Whenever I state no I discover myself following up with a number of various reasons regarding why I need to decrease. The truth often is just that Im exhausted. Or I would rather not. Or it doesnt line up with where I want my energy to address this time.
Take some time to meditate on what these worths are– quality time with household, work life balance, being present, being of service. If quality time with your family is crucial to you, yet you say yes to every work chance that comes your way, then you are most likely out of positioning. Before saying yes to any new dedication, take some time to examine whether it lines up with your core worths.
I recently got a cute puppy, Scout, who requires complete attention and more time in the house. I have said no more over the past 2 weeks considering that I have brought him home than I have more than the course of the past year.
One time I had a trip planned to San Diego to check out a buddy. As the journey grew closer, something within myself told me not to go. I talked with my good friend about my issues and they were so disappointed that I decided to go just to make them happy.
Identify your core worths.
She believes yoga brings us back to our most authentic self, and the finest method we can be a light for others is to cultivate self-love and approval. From unconditional love the magic of our lives can unfold in the most lovely ways.
Stop asking forgiveness and making reasons.
When we say yes to everyone and whatever, we say no to ourselves.
My household in specific likes to hand down things to me, and given that I have a hard time stating no I end up obtaining method more than I need. It might feel unpleasant at first, however the more we say no to the things that are not in our highest interest, the more space we make for stating yes to those things that matter a lot of.
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If quality time with your household is most crucial to you, yet you state yes to every work opportunity that comes your method, then you are likely out of positioning. Prior to saying yes to any brand-new commitment, take time to evaluate whether it aligns with your core values.